Battle Zone-1

The first battle was round the corner. You were working hard, to recover that strength, the skills you had lost long back. You felt out of place, out of sync, like Sunny Deol practicing for the boxing title in the movie Apne. It was taking a lot out of you; your mind was no longer in control of your body. Then the stage came when you had to give in, to leave the rest to destiny.

The battleground was familiarly abuzz with shrills of war and the smell of blood from the previous battle. You had been there before, done it all but never had you redeemed yourself and that is what had been burning you from inside. While the people were enamoured by the occasion, you were silently sizing up your opposition, calculating the reach and the sharpness of their spears.

When the war trumpets were sounded, everything was forgotten. You stuck to your basics and took the game. You had luck by your side. But in the end, when just one killing blow was needed, you lost focus. The arrows started missing their mark. But the late surge by the opponent wasn’t enough. You won, but had to share the spoils of victory.

The hopes were high in the camp now, there were celebrations all around. But you knew that you faced an easy opponent this time, hence there was no space for getting complacent. You knew that it wasn’t over yet, but it had just started. You ought to go back over and ponder over how to plug the gaps and weaknesses because the next opponent would be tougher and may not give you a second chance. There is no chance for letting your guard down, because in this war every battle is a do or die. Time to mend the wounds and practice harder.

On the other side of my life, there may be some good news to share. My fate there is hanging by a thread.
I hope 42 is the answer for me.

Let there be Light

I have spent a good 2 minutes thinking of a catchy tagline/first line for this post, but as you are reading this, you must have realized that I couldn't come up with something nice. This tagline is a result of my request to Mom a couple of minutes back to remove the curtains, so that the room gets illuminated.

Last time, the XLRI interview was a day after the selection day for Delhi Daredevil's volunteer program due to which I could not make it to the program (the second big miss in my attempt to connect with sports after the CWG volunteering debacle where after all the training and kit support, I wasn't called for work). this time, my XLRI interview was on 18 March, the date made sure that I could not attend the fest at my ex-college or the single office out bound trip my firm organizes. I applied for a couple of days of leave for preparation but was politely refused the same, due to project work (pretending sick at the last moment for leave is something that I would never do). This made me search for the 'Aap Mathura Das Hai' page on facebook (you will get this joke only if you have watched Border).

A work from home option was worked out. I tried to touch a number of topics but had to give up due to time constraint. One of the training sessions at office which started the day I worked from home would have helped a bit in my preparation but it seems I wasn't destined for that bit of luck. The interview started on a not so good note. My biggest fault was that I didn't engage them on the work I do, so they took up random topics and grilled me on them. The time they take to call the next candidate after you seems to be a decent enough metric for a person to judge whether he was worthy enough for being selected as the panel would be deliberating on him. This time was zero in my case and it cannot be a straight yes, so would have been a straight no. Though the interview was better than last time. I wish I do make it but it seems improbable. Another year of preparation would screw up my life even more as I would have preferred gaining knowledge by reading more on diverse topics, instead of doing the same english/maths questions which I somehow haven't got right 2 years in a row now. The good luck messages and wishes I got this time around made me feel very good as I have started to realize the importance of people in my life who feel happiness in my success.

On a different plane, with the honeymoon period at job over now, I don't think I would be gaining much by spending another year here. With the industry going through a lull, hikes and promotions may get delayed. This profile was good at the time the senior colleagues were hired, the money was good, there was a lot of work and they got to visit USA too. Things are not rosy any more, neither is anyone willing to speak out. Though I must say that the love, affection and protection which my team mates in the USA provide me with, I would be full of guilt when I leave them, but that would happen only when I go for further education unless they throw me out.

Recently, there came some tricky choices in front of me. Choice 1 was making more money through additional legitimate work, choice 2 was doing some volunteering work which would have been internally gratifying, choice 3 was doing what I love the most. Had choice 3 not come up at the end, I would have had to go with choice 1 as choice 2 would have interfered with my job.

So, the outcome of choice 3 would come on 28th April when I would go to a war, where I would be fighting on an unfamiliar terrain knowing that the opponent is dangerous, extremely competent and hostile and I am short on armory and time. The chances of coming out alive will be as good as that of Ra.one killing G.one in the movie. But I would give it my best shot, because that short moment of glory in the feeble chance of victory is worth living and killing for.

On the personal front I am doing terribly bad. Distinguishing truth from false seems to be a skill I may never be able to grasp. I no longer trust my judgment of knowing what is right and what is wrong. I have got very cynical and developed a perception that you cannot succeed by playing fair and square. The cost of standing for righteousness is huge, demands a lot of sacrifices and has no incentives. I don't think I have it in me to showcase such bravery so taking the cowardly path of withdrawing from this game seems a plausible choice. My enchantment with Rajni anna and Sallu bhai's movies is because they help me envision a scenario where 1 man is enough to decimate any number of bad guys. I always dreamt of doing the same in real life, but without certain superpowers, I cannot do it on my own.

I will end with a funny dialogue which I heard in the bus:
Drunk Guy: Conductor sahab, shadipur aye to bata dena, pichle do dino se main hari nagar jaa raha hun. Autowale wapis lane ke 150 rupees mangte hain. (Conductor sir, do let me know when the bus reaches Shadipur. Since the last 2 days, I have been travelling further to Hari Nagar. The auto drivers ask for 150 rupees to bring me back)

Life Updates

I was looking out for something substantial to happen so that I could put up a new post about it. Well, with 12-14 hours on the laptop everyday, I don't really give myself a fair chance of interaction with the real world which might lead to something interesting. As for the exam updates, CAT was even more dismal this year, just a 97.3. English again spelled my doom. I really don't get the hang of this normalization stuff. My quant section had gone pretty well but even there the score was not that great. This time I had gone into the battle field like a gladiator, on one of the most coveted dates. In case there is a next time, I will fight like a guerilla warrior, surreptitiously looking out for an early Monday slot. XLRI is again a saviour with a BM call at 98.98 but with 1:8 ratio of seats to calls it will not be easy. But I will give it my best shot. Most of my friends and seniors also could not score well this time, where as the juniors went bonkers with the scores. It is funny when I reminisce the times when I used to guide and motivate them. The tables were turned over on me. But I have not lost faith in my ability, there is one last fight still left in me.

At my previous firm every day was a long boring daymare (nightmare occuring in day). Though now I look back, it wasn't that bad a place to be too. The crowd was young, girls were beautiful, there were more trips and parties, they laid a lot of emphasis on character building which was a good thing, but the hierarchy, levels of secrecy were stifling. So was the 64 km roundtrip voyage everyday. Coming to the present, at my new job things are different. The timings are flexible, dream office location, work culture very open, work more intellectually stimulating. All the colleagues are awesome, though I don't like their love for toilet jokes and the incessant homosexual banter. My travel experiences as a result of returning late from office are full of drunk people and their acts which deserve a post of their own. I never realized how fast time passed here as I would be completing 5 months pretty soon. Due to my desperateness to make a switch, I had willingly accepted the fact that I would soon be working alone from this office for the US team. That got delayed but finally when the moment came, I wasn't ready for it. My boss assures me that I will have people here available to help me out technically but the crux of the problem is psychological. All those who say working in a team is tough, try working alone once. Adjusting to this solitary confinement is going to be tough. A skill I have mastered here is preparing Maggi in a microwave. The hidden reserves of Origano seasonings which added 7 stars to the noodles are depleted now so I would have to look for more add ins.

The third part of this post is about today. After a 2 month gap, I again played cricket. Bowled well, fielded brilliantly, batted poorly (though I managed to hit a six batting left handed as that way I could play a leg side shot. This was my only scoring shot of the day). Given a choice, any one would love to bat instead of bowling as it is less energy consuming, gives a feeling of things in control. But I took up fast bowling as it gives you a way to vent out some aggression and the demand supply ratio makes it more probable for a person to get involved in the game if he is willing to bowl. We tied one of the matches so it went to a superover and carrying my superover form from class cricket it proved to be a no match from there on. Sister has advised me to take a tablet before the impending pain due to lactic acid build-up strikes back. But as I hate medicines, listening to others, I refused. The pain will also remind me of the fun I had there.

If you read my untitled post dated 25 June 2011 about how my friend Rahul Mishra had left the job he had got after so much of an effort, you would have appreciated the character and perseverence shown by him. Well, all that paid off as he got a job which posted him to Malaysia (though his initial posting was supposed to be in Africa which made him an object of ridicule and a potential model for Fair & Lovely inspite of his complexion) in company of white sands and hot babes. I hope he has as much fun there as I want him to have.

There is so much more to write but I don't feel like making this blog a vent to pour out my soul any more. When I read through the previous posts, the stuff seemed to be passionately written. Now it seems crap with no syntax or flow. Anyways, let this place be just a ticker for the various updates.

Back in the Game

First post from office. Finally I went to play the Game. Had to get up at 6 in the morning and go to a Park 15 km from my home. The last game (not counting the cricket we played in our class) was with the class cricket team which we lost in a heart breaking manner. Anyways, back to present, bowling was fun, got regular wickets but in batting got out first ball a number of times. I am a leg side player, making room for myself and blasting over the off side isn't my strength. After coming back, the whole day I felt an upsurge of energy, helped in household tasks, made grilled sandwiches, tea for Mom. It was like the good old days when I used to be a good boy.The family realised the change and encouraged me to go and play every day. I knew what was coming after I would fell asleep. Hangover from Alcohol lasts a night but this one could be there for atleast 3-4 days. Lactic acid buildup, body ache. After all the human body is not like a Combustion Turbine plant (Wholesale Power team lingo) which can shut down and start working instantaneously. Even laughing was accompanied with excessive pain. But then the next day, I had the license to rest for the whole day. At the end of the day all I can say is that it was totally worth it.
Horrible post I know, no synchronisation between the tenses, no humour.

Do What you Love

I have had no response to questions related to what I did on my weekend. After thinking for 5 minutes, I used to be really elated if I did have an answer for it. Some bit of thinking and a chat with a senior at office got me thinking in the right direction. The solution was the answer to the question, "what do I love to the most?" It was a no-brainer. I love playing the game but haven't made an effort to touch base with it. I really should have made an effort to improve upon it to reach anywhere close to the top instead of playing in fantasies, inventing indoor games and blaming others. Anyways, I promise I will take out time for it once I am done with CAT on 13 november. It is a date much sought for, (the last sunday of the window) the normalization factor was looming large on my head but I chose to play to my strength (more prep time in hand) and bravery instead of fearing the competition. I am not really high on preparation on that front, a stupid dilemma is also tinkering with my motivation but would like to do well in it and then productively use my weekends to get deep into my favourite indulgences. Let us hope for the best. A nice little post once again burying the mountain loads of drafts for blog posts.

22

Happy Birthday Akshay Kumar, you turn twice as old as I am today.

Recently a friend scanned through the posts running with the titles, at that time I realized how unwise it is not to have a title for a post. It is like a book without cover. This post is something in continuation with the previous post 1 year ago, so is the title.
http://sahilkablog.blogspot.com/2010/09/21.html

Since the last 8 months or so, I have been uncomfortable, agitated whenever career talks used to spring up. Yes, mistakes have been made. But there is no going back. Nearly everything would have to be changed if I could go back in time and change them. I observed that this frustration often used to rise up whenever I used to talk to people. Yet again an anomaly as normal people are at peace with others and agitated within. One of the books that was of immense help was 'Stories from here and there' compiled by Sunil Handa. It had 450 short stories to be devoured slowly, so that the morale seeps in, unlike me who gorged about 50 of those at a time, mixing up everything.

This is the edited and pruned version of the post that would have been posted had it not been languishing in the drafts column for so long. It would have been another in the line of morose posts, couldn’t have helped it as nothing good was happening in my life although my love for action packed cinema and sad songs where the guy loses the girl stays as it is.

But yes, things have improved this time around. On dad's birthday, I became a mama too. Had an exciting 1.5 months with Utkarsh (they overrode my suggestions of a Rajasthani royal name). He has been lucky for all of us. I don't plan to switch off my phone today.

I got a better job (let us not take names), although it is still paying the lowest amongst all my friends leaving out Prashant who is studying at home and will soon crack the civil examinations on the sheer dent of his determination. The process was grueling. CV shortlisting, then an impromptu telephonic interview, followed by 3 interviews at a stretch, then the customary HR interview where I made a fool of myself. This wasn’t all, there was more. I was then called up for another telephonic interview with someone in the USA and once again later on for another session with their India MD. The following HR interview was better as they themselves raised the offer. But after the entire struggle I made it and that is what matters. The office is in Delhi (no more 3.5 hours in cab every day), brand name is better, entry more exclusive and hopefully the work is better too. My last firm too was good but I was looking for something better from that day itself when I got hired there. But it seems like those guys are hell bent on making me serve my full notice period although I have gone out of my way to create certain process documentations too so that they don’t get in trouble in case the next guy too looks for greener pastures.
The one thought that has since been ringing inside me is the legendary dialogue from Shawshank Redemption,
“Some birds can’t be caged; their wings are just too bright.”

Won the CL tycoons competition on my parent’s anniversary (had cracked the Deloitte intern too on the same day 2 years back) with the hope of getting a fully funded post graduation but as life is, there was a twist in the tale. They changed the prize money. The grueling presentation making work which I had done at the firm is a nice skill to carry forward and helped me a lot for this competition. Hat ja tau song was once again my lucky charm. Will listen to it every time before any such momentous occasions.

Of late, I have realized that I don’t have a life at all and I am drifting away from people at a fast rate. Although a big reason of shying away from meeting people was the shame I felt when the conversation touched my soon to be ex-job and I hope to make amends. Humanity is based on trust and it has been a double edged sword as I have failed people on this front and so have they, circumstances were such. But I still feel, it is all written.
I know I can do a better job with the flow of this post but I guess it is bearable.

Long time, no posts. No publicity, hardly any visitors. Will keep myself out of the context to cut this post to size. This post is about one of my class mates, Rahul Mishra. He is one of the nicest guys I have met on this planet, (he never shied away from bringing the inexpensive printouts for us all; can't think of more reasons right now but am sure there will be many), someone for whom I won't mind laying down my life. Due to less marks and wayward english, he couldn't land up a job. A lot of effort was put in to change the status quo but nothing happened. Its a shame on all the firms who couldn't recognize the worth of this gem. Marks is still seen as the sole criteria for ability, none of these idiotic recruiters learnt any lesson from 3 idiots.
Anyways, just a week back he finally got one. It felt as if a huge burden was off my shoulder and i could die in peace (the multiple references to dying in this post are not at all a reference to suicidal tendencies but the fact that his well being is sacrosanct for me). So his was a Rocket Singh kind off sales job. Hard Work but still better than sitting at home.
I called him up yesterday to inquire how his first week at work was.
He had LEFT the job. I was disappointed (This is the maximum intensity of feelings I generate now). His work would have been to lie to extract money on the pretext of NGO's and get a cut out of it. It was too much for him. I don't think I would have been strong enough to leave it. But then this, is why I respect him so much.
This reminds me of a story long back which I read in one of those hindi classes of a young boy who doesn't get his daily pay because the contractor is in a bad mood so he is clueless of how to arrange money for buying dough for the next meal for his paralyzed father. He notices a wallet full of money lying on the road and travels a lot of distance to return it to his original owner. He even refuses the tip offered citing the values inculcated in him by his father. He narrates the whole thing to his father in tears, who also starts crying as he is proud of his son and consoles him by saying that 1 night of hunger is nothing compared to the happiness he has given him.
A lot of parallels can be drawn from this story. In the former, the end needs to be different. Let us see how much time it takes. Its long overdue according to me.
No more titles for posts now.